Hartsdale Wine & Liquor is proud to introduce our newest store employee: Sister Mary Vinifera.
Sister Vinifera is attached to the holy order of the Jesuitengarten. As much as she has dedicated her life in service of the church, she is equally passionate about wine. As my way of helping her spread the word, I conducted the following interview:
“Sister Mary, do you recall the first time you became fascinated with wine?”
“Yes. It was after I read Psalms 104:015, which states: ‘and wine maketh glad the heart of man...’
As I pursued the subject I found that a lot of wine terms are in Latin. I so enjoy Latin.”
“Do other nuns share your passion of wine?”
“Absolutely! We have a little group that actually makes our own sacramental wine.”
“Really?”
“Yes. We call ourselves: the vestal vignerons.”
“How about the priests?”
“Unfortunately they’re strictly Irish whiskey.”
“What are some of the technical elements you focus on when making wine?”
“Maceration.”
“Would you please define maceration for the benefit of the readers?”
“Maceration: The length of time the grape juice spends in contact with the skins and seeds. But one must be prudent as excessive maceration is not only a sin, but may cause blindness as well.”
“I must confess, while planning this interview, I felt a great temptation to bring up the subject of Jesus as a historical winemaker.”
“Well, in my brief time working at the store, I’ve observed that you succumb to far too many temptations. I may need to bring my ruler.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You flirt too much. I detect impure thoughts for a living, so watch out buddy!”
“Gotcha. OK, back to Jesus…”
“Well of course Jesus was the first star winemaker. I quote John 004:046: ‘So Jesus came again into Cana of Galilee, where he made the water wine.’ Even to this very day this basic approach to winemaking is being practiced.”
“In heaven’s name, what practice could you possibly referring to?”
“Apparently you are unaware of the term: Jesus units.”
“ I am sister. Do go on.”
“Sometimes things go wrong during the fermentation process and the alcohol level goes way too high. Some relatively simple calculations can be made as to how much water can be added to the tanks in order to bring down the alcohol percentage. The volume of added water is called a Jesus unit.”
“Is that legal?”
“Winemakers answer to a higher authority.
And although I can’t prove it, I believe that much of the carpentry work Jesus did early in his life involved barrel making. I have pictures of him cutting what appear to be staves. – Yes, Jesus staves!”
“Let’s move on. What is your favorite varietal?”
“Riesling. I guess it goes back to my early Blue Nun period.
My all time favorite is, of course, Chateauneuf-Du-Pape, but my vows of poverty makes for limited opportunity to experience it.”
“And your least favorite?”
“High alcohol Zinfandels. If it’s over 14% I declare it to be a sin-fandel. When I do drink them, I say a little prayer: Forgive me Father for I have zinned”
“Some Christians believe drinking itself is a sin. Have you ever been criticized for your love of wine?”
“Trust me sonny, no one dares criticize a nun to her face. But yes, on this subject there are conflicting passages in the Bible. To my mind the sin is drunkenness not drinking.
I really don't believe the chalice of Christ was filled with club soda.”
“In fact the church has been instrumental in establishing vineyards all over the world – Correct?”
“You got that right. We were the first ones to discover the potential greatness of California. The same goes for Argentina and Chile. There are patron saints for Cabernet, Malbec and Carmènere I’ll have you know.”
“Is there an expensive dream wine you would love to taste someday?”
“Yes: Beaune Greves Vigne de L'Enfant Jesus, from Bouchard. Just the name alone…”
“I must say I impressed with how successful you are on the floor. Our customers seem to really respond to you.”
“Well, if they’re Catholic, they will do whatever a nun tells them to do. We train em that way."
“Your point is well taken. But what are your sales techniques? -- How do you explain our selections to our customers?”
“Much in the manner you do with some ecclesial twists.”
“Meaning?”
“I’ve heard you use the designations: old world and new world in describing our wines. I use the terms: Old Testament and New Testament.
And of course if I describe a wine as heavenly, or say it’s simply divine, it flies off the shelf.”
“Thank you for this enlightening chat Sister Mary. The good news is that in my personal cellar, I have bottles of both Clos du Papes Chateauneuf-Du-Pape and Bouchard’s Beaune Greves Vigne de L'Enfant Jesus. I will make it my mission to open them up for you.”
“Well God bless you son. I will pray that you make it to heaven.”
