What’s the big story in the world of wine right now?

The current buzz is about the 2009 Bordeaux vintage. The grand wizard of wine reviewers Robert Parker has just delivered his advance appraisal and the industry is spinning. Before I provide you with Mr. Parker’s conclusion, please assume the “prone” position – or at least kneel. And keep your eyes closed, his wine enlightenment is blinding.

Bobby, the world’s most influential wine critic, declares: “It may turn out to be the finest vintage I have tasted in “32 years of covering Bordeaux.”

Upon hearing this pronouncement, the Bordeaux chateaux owners jumped ten feet into the air and added an extra two zeros to their pre-release prices.

Oh no! This means I have to sell my home, my car and selected family members if I am to consider purchasing what now promises to be some of the most expensive Bordeaux ever released.

Maybe I can sell a kidney on the black market.

You see, when Robert Parker talks, people listen.

And what has he given us? Drum roll please: Another vintage of the century!

But hey, wait a minute. Didn’t Parker say essentially the same thing for the 2005 vintage?

Let’s take a trip down memory lane:

“One thing I am sure of after twenty-eight years of tasting Bordeaux wines every March is that 2005 can not be compared to any previous vintage in my experience" - Robert Parker

So what made 2009 so much better Robert? Do these wines taste great and simonize your car too?

Parker is famous for reviewing wines using a 100-point system. He (and other well-meaning but misguided individuals) actually grade wines as if they were some sort of mathematical equation. So here is my question: if you rate a 2005 vintage Bordeaux 100-points and then, four years later, you rate the same wine from the 2009 vintage 100-points and infer that it’s the best effort you ever tasted, then what exactly does 100-points mean?

I interpret a 100-point rating to be a “perfect” score, unless… Unless it’s kind of like the amplifier in the film “This is Spinal Tap,” you know the one that has an “11”’ setting – which is better because all the other amps only go to “10.” Maybe Parker should have given some of those 2009 Bordeaux wines 110-points!

Somebody help me here please – I’m spinning into butter.

So here we are, just one-tenth into the new century and already we are witnessing the two greatest Bordeaux vintages ever.

I wish I could communicate with justice what a buying frenzy that Parker’s assessment of 2009 will produce. It will reverberate from China to Russia to Europe to America. Millionaires and billionaires will buy every bottle they can get their manicured, bikini waxed fingers on. They will survey the planet for Lafite-Rothschild at $1200.00 a bottle and pay for it two years prior to actual delivery. Looks like I have to step up my game in finding a Scarsdale widow to marry.

The people I feel the sorriest for are young, passionate wine lovers who deserve the same opportunity I had -- to own and taste the five first growths of Bordeaux: Haut Brion, Margaux, Latour, Lafite-Rothschild and Mouton Rothschild. Even though these wines were expensive in past years, their price points were within reach of a middle class income. I purchased 1989 Haut Brion and 1990 Latour for less than $60.00 a bottle, and if memory serves, I believe Parker called them their greatest efforts ever…. I guess I own a bunch of “also ran” Bordeaux now.

This was in the era when wine writing was lower key and fine wine was not pimped out as an investment grade commodity. The wine press, especially Parker and Wine Spectator magazine have turned a noble beverage into a world-class collectable status symbol.

Haut Brion isn’t a wine anymore. It’s Tiffany, Cartier, Louie Vuitton, Hermes and Prada.

Some buy wine as an investment and will eventually sell it at an auction. Some buy it as a collectable to be displayed like a trophy and it may never be opened. (It’s too valuable to merely drink!) Both scenarios work to keep prices artificially high and eliminate exposure to those who actually enjoy wine for its intended use.

I have yet to meet a great producer who makes wine for the purpose of bundling it into an investment instrument. Even the most selfish vineyard owners are deeply proud of the quality reputation they have achieved.

Personally, I focus on the producer, the winemaker and the vineyard instead of going crazy about specific vintages. Above average vintages are common, and there are at least ten “vintages of the century” every hundred years. -- The wine press almost guarantees it.